Diaries of a Fat Trans Woman: Airing Dirty Laundry

This is what I deal with as a fat trans woman when it comes to dating, these are the things I didn’t say to her when I said it wouldn’t work out and blocked and removed her from my life. This experience hurt, a lot, mostly because of the abusive things thrown at me, and despite my efforts to fix the things that “were wrong” nothing was ever enough. This is an exercise in getting this out of my head and heart so I can move on in life, and work on new things.

A Note to a Former Lover:

“Don’t you ever say that I didn’t care, don’t you dare say I didn’t do my most to make things work out.

I left because of things you said, things about me, things about us .

You were emotionally unavailable to me, from day one. You claimed it’s because you had a baby, and your kids are your life, that’s no excuse for treating me the way you did. I did nothing but give my all emotionally, to get nothing back. You were the first to say I love you, but that was it. I had days upon days you’d refuse to say it back to me, because you were emotionally unavailable. If you’re that way, then why form a relational with me, I’m not a okay time partner or booty call.

I had mental insecurities yes, but that’s because you never once said anything nice about me without me asking. The only time you complimented me, I had to have a dysphoria breakdown and basically ask for some form of reassurance, and even then it felt like you didn’t even care. You then tell me that things are overwhelming, so I ask how to help, and you just want me to only talk to you when you talk to me first.

You constantly criticized me. Whether it be my breath or this mysterious scent that no one else could ever smell, no matter what I did, it was wrong. I literally scrubbed my skin raw, and brushed my teeth and gums so hard they bled, and that wasn’t enough. I’m plagued by your words still a month later, insecure about everything I ever did.

You refused to touch me, but would take all the touch I would give to you. It honestly felt like a I’ve sided relationship, because I was the one putting out the effort in every way.

You basically proved to me in your last messages you didn’t want a relationship with me, you just wanted the perks of a relationship. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too, meanwhile I don’t know when you’d message or if you’d message.

My needs, were entirely ignored. Your false promises, they hurt, and broke my trust. No matter what I felt for you, that’s gone now, in a way I’ve never had happen before, but the trauma you brought me with your actions, and words.. that lingers.”

Recent Changes in my Journey

As I promised in my last post, I said I would follow up with how things have been changing on my body, in my head and my mannerisms, and all the like. This post may be considered NSFW, so read with caution in a public space.

I’ll start with the changes to my medications. I was told that my T levels were higher than when I first started transition. If any of you have been following me since day one, you’ll know I was initially put on Spironolactone, but taken off it within a month or two due to an allergic reaction that was slowly eating away the inner lining of my stomach. I was put onto Finasteride by my gatekeeper, and then once I met my endocrinologist, she switched me to Dutasteride. I was on these blockers since March 2013. In every one of the meetings and followups I had with my endocrinologist, she would mention my T levels were too high, and we would try various things, like progesterone added in, but it was still causing some issues with high T production. Just about two months ago, I got an emergency call from her, and she told me my T levels were higher now then any time I had seen her. She didn’t have a solution that she could suggest, which is kinda sad since she has been working with trans patients for many many years, and had never run into someone that has the same issues with blockers I’ve had. Her sure fire solution was of course the orchiectomy surgery, but as we’ve seen, the urologist will not grant me that until I get to a ridiculous weight. This not being an option in the immediate time, I mentioned a drug called Androcur, (cyproterone acetate) that I had heard about from other trans people in other parts of the world. She figured at that point it was worth it to give it a shot and looked at the side effects and the interactions with the other things I’m on, and approved it. Now, I said I’ve been on it two months, and I can already say there is a major difference, but we will discuss those further along in the post. Now as for my hormones, I’m still on the estrodiol in gel form, and of course I was put on progesterone last august and have maintained them as part of my daily HRT regimen. The progesterone has had a pretty bad effect on my mental stability, causing some major depression and negative thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure if it’s doing it’s job, but I will admit that I’ve had some decent other effects come along while I’ve been on it, again, that I’ll mention in the upcoming paragraphs.

My mental stability has certainly changed under the effects of HRT. Before, I can say I was emotionally and mentally stable for the most part, but as I mentioned in another post many moons ago, my mood swings were fairly bad when I was on the Spiro, so my T levels must have been a little lower at that point. After the change from that, my moods stabilized for the most part, until I came onto the Progesterone, which is where I offer my biggest piece of advice.. If you are having some issues already with depression, please, please make sure you’re under the care of a doctor while you are on it. The side effects directly state that depression and feelings of worthlessness/suicidal tendencies will come along. I for one can say these are true expectations that should be set. As I went from relatively stable to those exact feelings myself. Thats all I’ll touch on that, since I’m trying to maintain a positive vibe in this post.

Mannerisms, I have noticed some changes here in the last couple months, as well as through my whole transition. I’ve of course noticed my walk evolve into one that is lighter, and a little bouncier, and a little more sway in my step. I’ve noticed my mannerisms have changed a bit too, though that may be more due to practice, like when I’m speaking and casually softening my look without thinking about it, speaking softer, and just gesturing and moving softer. I can’t say I can account it to the hormones, or the blockers, but it really seems like since I’ve been on good blockers, that some of these have been more pronounced.

Of course, there is the body changes. This is where things get a little racy, so if you don’t want to hear this, I would stop reading now.

Firstly, for the first while on hormones, my libido crashed. Like totally and completely. Having said that, no libido was not a bad thing, but functioning parts, is a huge pain in the ass. Having enough testosterone in the system to keep things doing it’s random things is awkward, as well as mornings. Luckily, the new blockers have taken care of that really quickly, having cut function to near nothing, as it was a huge embarrassment. With that though, I’ve noticed my libido has climbed back up steadily, though I have very little to no desire to fulfill it. I hate to openly admit this sort of stuff in a public forum such as this, but during my years of HRT, I’ve noticed some significant shrinking, of both the testes and the other part in that region. We’re talking a reduction in size of around 50% or so, and 60-70% in the testes (though thats only since I started the new blockers).

Then there is the chest. All I can really say is that I truly believe that I have been gifted with good genes, as I currently sitting at a natural C, and I’ve gone into a growth cycle again, as I’ve been getting a lot of tenderness and pain in that area again. I can basically point the finger at the blockers I was on before. My T levels were so high, I had minimal growth, but now the hormone is being stopped, I have gone into growth again. Part of my chest size can likely be attributed to weight at beginning of transition, so I’ve been able to keep some of that.

The rest of the body changes aren’t that racy really, with my weight loss, I’ve noticed I’m developing a bit of an hourglass with hips and whatnot. I’ve noticed curves developing, and softening of my face. I’m also fighting a little with excess skin, but thats something to work on as we move along with weight loss. Of course, of note there was the inch of height I’ve lost in the last year, and will likely losing a little more now that my body has gone back into a “growth cycle”.

End of the racy stuff.

So that’s it. Sone parts of this have been tough to write, to open my soul and my comments on my body, my mind and things that have changed since I updated a post like this (which I can’t remember when I did last) Sorry if any of the comments turned people away, but I pride myself on being an open blogger, and sharing whats going on, this is all part of my transition story.

So for now my readers, I sign off for the second night in a row, with more words of wisdom. Be yourself, don’t let anyone tell you, or make yourself think that you’re not good enough, because damn it, you are. You are an individual, you don’t need to conform to anyone’s ideal of who you should be.

Until next time,
Rachelle ❤

A Hiatus from my Writing

Hi my lovelies,

If you haven’t figured it out, I do need to step away from my blog for a while to get the negative things in life sorted around. I’ve attempted to write multiple posts, but in the end couldn’t bring myself to complete them due to the feelings they brought on.

My posts have been an emotional rollercoaster for me, and I will resume them soon, but I need to get me figured out first.

I feel bad that I’m abandoning you all, the people who know all about me through my writing, the good and the  bad, but I need to do this for me.

I’ll be back soon enough my friends.

Rachelle H.

A month in.

I just wanted to let you know that I’m still working or the logistics of my video entries and what I really need to get going with them, where I’ll film them and what sort of equipment I’ll need if any. I have lots of devices with high resolution video capture, but I’m feeling I may need a microphone of some sort for decent audio.

Anyways, it’s been a month since I’ve been on the Spironolactone, and my first refill was picked up today.

The first thing I’m sure you’ll ask is, have you noticed any changes? Well the answer to that is a definite yes. Some emotional, some physical.

The first thing I noticed is probably the thing that worried me the most and that is that the parts I have currently aren’t functioning the same way they were before. There is a fair bit of shrinking, which is normal, I was just not prepared for how fast it was going to come. (This is a fairly sensitive topic because I hate what’s there so let’s leave it at that). As well, I’ve noticed a bit of my upper body strength is gone. Don’t me wrong, there is still a fair bit there, but I’ve noticed a change.

Emotionally, it’s been a whirlwind. I’ll go from happy to sad to angry in a matter of minutes. I’ve been using some of the techniques I learned from my psych to cope with the feelings I’m having because of the huge swing from one to another. I’ve noticed myself being more emotional on small things too. It’s like someone took my theoretical sensitivity dial and cranked it up. One of the other things I’m dealing with is something I’ve been dealing with for a few years, but now it’s worse, and that’s libido. I seem to have no drive at all now for intimacy, again these are both things I’ve been warned of.

Other than that, things are okay in life. I’ve found myself being a little more introverted in my personal time than I have been in the last few months, but I figure it’ll all work itself out as I adjust to the lack of hormones in my body. I have a good group of friends that understand that I’m a quiet one to begin with, but they will always be there when I need someone.

I’m going to end it there, just wanted you to know I’m still alive, and working on the video posts. Until next time my lovelies.

Rachelle

Regression, and Disappointment in myself

The last few weeks have been all over the place for me, but mostly down. I’m not sure exactly what it was that has me down and out, but I feel like I fell back further than when I originally started. There have been ups and downs, and I’ve actually made some progress forward, and I’ll make more in the weeks to come.

First the bad, then the good. The bad has been that I feel I hadn’t made any progress in the last few months due to I dunno, I guess procrastination and the unknown variable of my work. Things there seem to change on nearly a daily basis, and I’m just not sure what to expect. I’m drawing closer to the day though when I just up and say fuck it and just move forward regardless, and just see where the cards fall. This kinda ties into my good news, so I won’t push anymore on that point but into where my mind has been. I feel that I fell to a place much worse than suicide, just due to the fact that I don’t feel that I’ll ever have the money to get my GRS with how finances are going at this point. It seems like every dollar of our paychecks is already spoken for ahead of time, and the line of credit basically being tapped out. We kinda went a little overboard when it came to generosity, and ended up helping a couple people who were in need to the point that it has kinda hurt us in the long run. On the flip side of that, I did find someone who has had their GRS done in Thailand, and looked at pricing and it seems to be a fairly reasonable $8,000 (approximately). They said they were more than happy with the results and it was a very professional clinic/hospital and I did more digging and found that this clinic was fairly highly recommended by the people who have been there for their surgery. I have lots of time to continue doing research and making sure that its the best choice for me. I’ve found that the only thing that was distracting me at my lowest was a little something I found online to distract yourself from any negative thoughts (originally aimed at people who were at right for self harm.. not gonna explain why I was looking at that, but I said I hit a lower point that even suicide above). If I’m in a bad place when I’m having negative thoughts, I keep an elastic band around my wrist and snap it anytime I get those feelings. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help my work anxiety, but it helps when I’m in one of those bad places with bad thoughts. Its what I’ve spoken with my psych about and she was disappointed that I regressed to that point. Though, I can only assume as we move forward to helping me get all my repressed memories back, it’ll cause more bad feelings that I’ll need to work through and cope with. Anyways, onto the positive.

Friday, May 18th I filed for my legal name change. Within the next couple weeks, (hopefully no issues with the application process) Rachelle Victoria Hagerman will be here in the world, while the former me, will technically be no more. Of course with that, comes the full time transition, including work. That is really the scariest thing that I am looking at. I am unsure of how to give my employer notice due to my overwhelming fear. I would love to come face to face and say that I’m going to be going full time on a set date, but I’m thinking I may write a letter, as I’m far more comfortable with typing my words out rather than speaking them. (That gets me in trouble a lot with people around me and my psych). The week I took off from work to rest my emotions and feelings worked wonders. Though the day I filed for my name change was fairly emotional, and since then my mind has been racing a mile a minute trying to figure out how to approach the topic with the people around me.

I don’t know if it’s normal but I feel like an emotional sponge from everything around me. I tend to try and help everyone’s negativity, I follow a few LGBT blogs and news sites, and it seems to have a strong effect on me seeing and reading about others pains. I’ve discussed this with my psych, and all she can suggest is to step away from it all for a bit, but I refuse to. I have a big heart, and I hate to see people like myself who are in pain and suffering.

I’m going to, in my next few posts, try and keep the venting/bitching to a minimum, and start talking about my past. How I felt, and the memories that have come back to me since I’ve started therapy. I find it offers some insight into who I am today, including the feelings I had about my sexuality.

Until next time,
Rachelle ❤