The last month.

Hey guys and dolls. After taking a month hiatus from my writing, I’m back! It’s been an eventful month with more surprises than I had anticipated, and it’s not given me time to do any posts. Let’s catch up!

October 1, I started in my new store, a warranty location, and a much much higher volume than my former store. By month end, my team and I have bonded, and we ended off with a record 141% to target, and finished 3rd overall in the city, beating a “higher volume” locations numbers with ease. We finished with a year over year increase of 10%, and as I’ve been told, the praise of the western sales manager who doubted the difference that I made in my former location, as the increase in the new store came as soon as I started there.

These numbers lead me to the next good thing. My former store was set to be closed at the end of October, but due to some changes in management decisions, they have decided to keep it open until the end of the holiday season. What does this mean? They saw how poorly the location did without my leadership, and they have made the decision to make me a dual store manager. The increase in wage was minor, but the potential to double my wage with bonuses for the next 3 months was hard to decline. So, that makes me the first true dual store manager in this city. It’s a huge honor being the first trans* manager with this company, let alone a successful dual location manager. This is something I could never have imagined happening as quickly as it has, but I welcome it with open arms.

Other than that, not much else has changed. I’ve been on estrogen for nearly two months now, and I’m not seeing many facial changes yet, but I’ve noticed a little more definition in my chest, which is not a bad thing. I’m getting used to the mood swings more, with the only time they can get out of hand is the day when I change my patch, due to the surge in new hormones being pumped into my system.

Family wise, I’ve finally made the jump and removed the “supportive” ones out of my life. After being full time for 15 months, and not so much as a visit or an invite to family gatherings, I’ve decided that since I’m not good enough in their eyes, that they don’t deserve to see my successes, and hear about my pain. In the end, my family is at the core of all the mental issues I had in the past, and I tried to move on and grow, but in the end, you can only take so much before you have to walk away.

This has been the last month for me. My successes, and where I am now. I’m still me, and that’s all I ever aim to be. Anyone who tries to tell me different obviously doesn’t know I enjoy a good challenge.

Until next time my lovelies.

Rachelle ❤

September holds lots of things for my progress.

Now that September is here, it is possibly one of the biggest parts of my transition, the actual HRT phase the thing I’ve been waiting 2 years for. It’s also going to be a month full of appointments.

Firstly, back in august, I made an appointment with the psych that I had seen prior to my referral to the gatekeeper. She was the one who insisted on intense therapy sessions before she would give me that referral. At the time I have to admit I did resent her for that decision, but looking back I can understand why, and for that I had to thank her. Her and I sat down yesterday for a short catch up session, so she could see where I am at. Anyone who has read my blog for a long time has seen that my mood and attitude has changed a lot, and she picked up on that within minutes of seeing me. As we sat and talked she mentioned that I have a much lighter glow to me, that my energy is much lighter than it was when she saw me for the last time in August of last year. The meeting went very well, I’ve explained to her how posts on here now reflect a way different person, one that believes in body positivity and loving yourself, who you were, who you are today and who you’ll be tomorrow. She did comment on that saying it’s a very low number of people who actually realize that, and that in her experiences with trans* people, limited, though increasing recently (I’ll explain) that I am unique in the fact that I have come to terms with myself. I admitted that I have my moments where I dislike something about myself, and she understood, as we all have those times at some point. She did mention that she is taking on more trans* patients and would like my assistance as I’ve turned out to be an inspiration and she feels that my story could be used to help others. I was not surprised to hear that I could be am inspiration, but that a professional with a PhD thinks I could potentially help others come to terms with themselves. Needless to say I told her that I would be honored to help her out however she needed it, as she got me through my toughest time, and I’d love to help anyone else out.

Next Monday is when I go see the endocrinologist, for them to do the initial blood work and get me into the estrogen phase of my transition. To date, the pains that I was getting from the Spiro are still present, and I am under the impression that it did form an ulcer as when it flares up, I get short term relief from milk products. Other than that, the Finasteride has done some odd things. I’m not getting as strong mood swings as the Spiro gave me. I’ve not noticed any other changes to my physique really other than what the Spiro did. I have noticed that some of my body hair is lightening or even thinning, but that is basically it. My chest hasn’t changed much definition wise, but that will hopefully change with the estrogen, same as hips and ass, because I’d love some body definition eventually. I’ve been counting down the days to this appointment, and it’s finally nearly here. As I’ve said in prior posts, I hope to see some changes once I have the estrogen in my system, but am not going to expect immediate changes.

Lastly, my third appointment will be with the gatekeeper to file my letter of intent for my surgery funding. Luckily when they relisted the coverage, I followed it enough to know the process I need to go through to qualify for them to cover it. On the 26th I go and see him and at that time I’ll be filling that letter out with him, and it will be submitted shortly after that. From there, the requirement is that you’ve lived full time for at least a year (which I’ve completed now), and you’ve been on HRT for 12 months. So, if those numbers are set in stone, I’ll be looking at next September as the earliest for my GRS.

While in a way, I’m disappointed by that timeline, I did set myself up for a 4-5 year transition process, and that would bring me on at 36 months, so I’m pleased. I’m going to speak with the gatekeeper as well to see if there is a way to expedite the process due to me getting messed around with time wise already, though I expect there isn’t much he can do to help. I’ll continue to just be me day in and day out though. I’m loving life currently because I love who I am, and that I can finally be myself after so many years of hiding behind a mask. My day will eventually come when I am completed my transition, and I look back and reread my words here and smile because I saw the progression I made from a very depressed and angry person, to the happy, proud and generally light hearted woman I’ve developed into.

What pushes my to continue my writing here? The ability to document my thoughts and feelings during this time, allowing others to see how I’ve progressed, and to allow my friends who are not trans* to see into my mind, to know what it’s like for me. To be honest, when I started writing this blog, I intended for it to not really have any readers, but as more people found me, and read and even commented to me on my writing I have been driven to produce more quality posts. Thank you again everyone who reads this, and I hope you stock around for the time yet to come. Until next time.

Rachelle ❤

A long post, back to my roots.

After my last post, expressing how I feel my transition method has  changed me for the better, I expected some backlash. Needless to say the only backlash I heard was the fact that I had little to no readers of my last post compared to the previous ones. The first part of this post consists of a rant, so be warned, but after that, we get back to the root of why I started this blog in the first place.

I didn’t really say anything about my way being the only way, but I made some comments about others refusing to transition without hormones. I refuse to apologize for anything I’ve ever written, as if I did, then it wouldn’t be what I believe and how I feel about it. When I came out I wanted to wait initially as I wanted to at least be on the testosterone blockers before I did it , but due to how messed up the wait times here are, I felt forced into taking my transition into my own hands.

When I first came out, I told everyone that I was trans, I told my family, my coworkers at the time, and my friends that didn’t already know. I gave myself an early heads up to those around me what was going on, to avoid anything potentially catching people off guard. I even started to write this blog to answer the common questions that I was getting, and the frustrations I was facing.

Did transitioning without hormones or even blockers do something to me? You bet it did. Would I do it the same way again? No question about it, I certainly would. Why do I keep asking myself these questions? I feel that some people make me feel like I need to justify my words.

Everyone has a different story, and having someone very early on make me feel like an outsider has given me a bitter taste in my mouth in regards to the local trans* community. I feel that in regards to my personal development since going full time, I’ve been primarily on my own to build my personality and mannerisms. I’ve not needed others input on small things, and I don’t expect those who refused anything to do with me to critique who I am. This is ultimately my documentation of my transition and what I’ve noticed that has worked for me, everyone’s experiences may vary.

Now that my rant is done, back to business as usual.

In the past 12 months I’ve written a lot of posts on my transition, but I’ve not really written about my true mental status. I’ve written about my pride and how happy I am, but have never really fully expressed what is in my mind and how my daily thought process goes. I’d like to get back to the root of what this blog is about, and that’s the ups and downs.

In any given day, my mind constantly changes, I can go from happy to sad, to feeling crowded or even lonely.

This past weekend I just wanted time to myself for example. Outside of work I basically shut down, didn’t say much or express any emotion, only because I just wanted some quiet contemplation time. Time to do some self reflection even. This is something I suggest everyone do once in a while as it allows you to recenter yourself and assess where you are, and if you feel you’re on the right path, living how you want to live, being who you are, fulfilling your you-ness. Ultimately in my time, I didn’t get much for quiet time. I ended up zoning out playing a single player offline game on my computer to just have the time to myself doing something that is mindless that I love to do. I rarely get those times when I just don’t want anyone around, but I do get them, and it is normal for people to just want some time to themselves. This is a concept that’s been misconstrued as me being angry or upset with people when it’s just a case of wanting some quiet time.

Then it comes to work, I am in a very quiet location that is slow with not much mall traffic. This is when the opposite happens, the feelings of loneliness kick on and you wonder if anyone actually does care you are there. The best I can do at that point is to try and fund anyone to talk to, whether it be via text or Facebook chat, but more often than not, people just don’t have the time to talk. This gives the mind too much time to wander and it usually leads to moodiness and negative mood swings.

As happy as I am with myself and who I am and where I’m at, I still have my moments. Usually my negative mood swings have no basis, and they pass, or if they linger it just is difficult to be rid of them. This is when I focus on the meditation techniques that I was shown by my former psychologist when I was going through all my rough times before I got my referral to the gatekeeper. It doesn’t always work, but it keeps me from stress eating and putting weight back on.

The other things that come up usually are the feelings of hurt I deal with because of my past. They are always going to be there, despite having dealt with them a while ago as with any trauma, it will be with you every day you live despite any therapy or coping mechanisms you use. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m almost numb when it comes to those things, such as family issues, and friends that seem to disappear when you need them the most. It still bothers me that I don’t have a normal family situation, or that when I need someone there really seems to be no one around. When I was younger, I felt I was forced to grow up faster than I should, and even during transition I still feel the same way. Due to having to rely on my own self to work through my issues because of those either not understanding, seeming to care to help or those that just tell me I have to work through it myself. Sure, I put off the strong vibe, because I am strong, but sometimes a girl just needs a friend to talk to that will always be there.

Of course, there are the positive feelings. The ones I write about a lot in the other posts I do. I just wanted to let everyone know that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows in my transition. There are feelings you’ll have regardless of how prepared you are, and how happy you are with your situation and how/who you are. I’d say realistically, that 75% of my time is positive, and that the other 25% would be that mix of emotions.

There is always one thing I never have negative feelings about, and that is who I am. I don’t ever question where I am in my life, if things would be different if I did it a different way, or looked another way. I accept and love my individuality. I embrace my “you-ness” and refuse to let it go. I’m kind of our of the normal that way. Don’t get me wrong, we all have those things about ourselves we want to change, but I love myself for who I am. If I don’t change, I accept that because it’s who I am.

I have been working on this post over a couple days, and I realized something yesterday. Despite accepting the fact that there are waits in the system here, I feel screwed over. People who got referrals well after I did are further in the official process than I am. There are those that got their initial gatekeeper referral two to three months ago who are now into HRT, while I still have another thirteen days or so before I get to see the endo, despite getting my initial gatekeeper referral 19 months ago. I can’t dwell on this otherwise it’ll just push my to anger and ruin my day. It was just something that came up and contributed to my anger to the point of having to walk away from my store for a few minutes to meditate and recenter myself.

I think I’ve put enough different thoughts into this post, and hopefully I can get back to focusing on my transition in my writings. Those of you who are still loyal readers, thank you again for giving me the encouragement to continue writing.

Until next time my lovelies!
Rachelle

Another month to go..

So the days seem to be moving along well enough, and I’ve been opening my life to some new people who I can hope to offer some assistance to. Having taken a different road than most, and hitting all the bumps early on has taught me some life lessons I’m happy to have had early on. I do need to warn those of you who are sensitive to not read on if you do not want to hear me talk about my personal achievements in my transition compared to others.

The first, and I hate to admit it, is the virtue of patience. It hurts being told by everyone around you, including those who are not trans* to be patient. I’m now approaching the 24 month mark since coming out, and by this time next month I’ll finally be on the hrt phase of my transition. The pain that this wait has caused me is not what I would consider small by any means, as I’ve seen the world around me, and people in other places progress faster than I have.  I’m not going into the breakdown of how it’s been so long, as I’ve talked about that previously. Do I still wish I didn’t have to wait 24 months before getting into hrt? Yes of course. Would I go back and delay my full time transition for it? Never.

Going into my transition without hrt or even testosterone blockers taught me that it’s not the hormones that make the woman, but the heart and soul of the person. I’ve known so many people who have had circumstances where they were forced to put off transition until after they were on the hrt, and I don’t believe they will have the same realization I have had, as they have not attempted to live day to day without the softened features, without the chest and body reshaping. The fight I had to just “pass” taught me how to be resourceful. I eventually gave that up to just be me, and let nature take its course. How to use what I have and what I will develop to be feminine. I was forced to do my own voice training, and I seem to get nothing but complements on my pitch and tone, so it’s a personal accomplishment. Most of my mannerisms have changed including my walk, and I’ve based that off of my daily observations where I work.

Does this make me better than anyone else in transition? Not one bit. We all take a different road with similar potholes, but different none the less.

Has the route I’ve taken allowed me to mature and see past the high school games that a lot of trans* cliques play? Yes. Has it opened my eyes to my natural beauty, and acceptance of myself? Yes. Am I proud that I took the road very much less traveled and came through it strong and proud of myself and accepting of who I am now, and was before? Hell yes.

If nothing else, going back to my writings pre-transition, I see one constant. Feeling like I need to meet someone else’s standard or setting my own standards around another persons thoughts. I’ve learned that you need to live for yourself and yourself only. Don’t compare yourself to others because they aren’t you. You don’t have to conform to someone else’s vision of beauty, or way of thinking. Too many of us make those comparisons, whether we be trans* or not. We buy into the ideal of certain things or traits being beautiful and others not. Beauty isn’t measured in weight, hair color or length, skin tone, how your nose looks on your face, beauty is being yourself, its believing in yourself, being proud of who you are. I’ve said it quite a few times already, but use your you-ness and live life to no one else’s standards.

This post got off topic pretty quick here, but that’s the randomness that is my mind. There is always one repeating thing in my writings and that is that I refuse to let anyone tell me how to be now, and for the remainder of my days I will be living that way. I have fun with life. I’m outgoing, I’m not the shy person I used to be.

Just a summary of some of the other things I’ve learned. Speak your mind now, as tomorrow you may not get the same chance. Stand up for what you believe in and take pride in everything you do. Show respect to people around you and it will be reciprocated. Don’t let yourself be anyone’s doormat. The basic thought here is to believe in yourself, as you’ve made it this far so continue to be you. Life hurts, it has its up and downs, but don’t let it beat you up too much and don’t dwell in those dark places or they will pull you down.

Love yourself as you want to be loved. I love you all my readers as seeing the number of people reading my posts makes me want to say more.

Just a short FYI, the idea of video blog posts is still around, I just need to work out the specifics of how, when and what.

Until next time my lovelies!

Rachelle H.

Questionable attitudes

So here we are, in the middle of August 2013. Not much has honestly changed, but I feel that I need to keep up my writing, just to keep my thoughts in check.

I’ve noticed some hate the last little while in regards to cis vs trans people, and I’ve just got to get my two cents in on the debate. Firstly, a human is a human no matter how they identify, no matter cis or trans, straight or gay or bi or pan. (I’m not sure if I’ve ever used the term CIS before, but in general it refers where an individual’s self-perception of their gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth. Aka: non trans*). A lot of it seems to be stemming from trans* people because they don’t feel they are understood. Well, what I say next might give my thoughts on it.

As anyone who has ever read my blog knows, I’m very open with the people around me, regardless of who they are. I always welcome questions from my friends and anyone who is curious or even ignorant to what trans people deal with. I try to let them know, I’ll always answer anything they want to ask, as they are being brave enough to ask in the first place. I’ve read anywhere between 4-6 different articles on “Questions trans* people are tired of being asked.” Or something along those lines. I have yet to ever be asked any of the questions on any of those lists. You want to know why? Because I keep an open door when it comes to those around me. If someone is brave enough to approach me and ask an “embarrassing” question, I’ll gladly answer and educate the person. Generally my attitude is that a question is an invitation to teach someone about something they don’t understand.

(Before anyone says that I ranted about a former employee who asked personal questions, she was repeatedly asking them, after I had already answered them at least once before.)

So, what I think I need to get across is that we need to be a little more understanding of those who don’t understand our problems, and these “offensive” questions are their way of trying to learn more, they just don’t know what is and what isn’t “offensive”. Respect goes both ways, and you can’t demand or expect respect from people you will not give it to initially.

I know the situation I’m in during my transition isn’t even remotely close to anyone else and I’ve had an “ideal” situation according to some, but if you look back, it wasn’t always this way. I lived in fear, I was afraid of everyone, and everything. I didn’t like myself, and I hated that I wasn’t making progress. The only reason I have developed as far as I have thus far is because I learned that I need to believe in myself, and that I need to love myself, or I would always be miserable. It wasn’t a quick change, it took the better part of a year to work through, but now when I look at myself, all I see is how beautiful I’ve become, how strong my will has become, and how proud I am that I am who I am and that no one can ever take that from me. My strength comes from within, and no one can take that because I love me.

Until next time my lovelies, respect and love one another.

Rachelle

An Early August Mind Dump

As the two year anniversary of my coming out approaches, I look and I see that things have changed in my life, and they have changed around me as well. This post is more of just a mind dump from what’s going on in my brain currently, so be ready for topics to swing rapidly.

Those closest to me have reaffirmed their support on numerous occasions, those closest to me making time to visit or talk to me on the phone, or even the occasional Facebook message. On the flip side of that there are those who say they are there for me, but never call, never message or never visit or haven’t visited. I have had a few people who it really didn’t click in with them until they saw me for the first time, and have seen the changes, or those who have spoken to me, and really wondered if I am the same person because of the difference in my voice. I’ve been slowly weeding those out who haven’t stayed in contact or just ignore all attempts at me reaching out. It’s healthy mentally and emotionally to remove the toxic people out of your life, because in the end, those are the people who drag your mood down and cause you to second guess yourself in a very negative way.

There is then work. Work was an up and down ride for me since I stepped out of the house full time for the first time last July. Starting with me leaving my position (or forced out if you will) there was a chance to start fresh. I shopped the job market for months before coming to the decision I needed to use everything I have to find a position, including applying in the field I felt I wasted a decade in. In the end it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself as it allowed me to find the employer I’m with right now. There’s been downs, like a former employee outing me to everyone she knew in the mall, and the low numbers our location has been putting out due to the market we are in (not a fit for our offerings), but there’s been more positives than negatives. Starting the month after I took over, we started to make our targets, allowing the reps and myself to get our bonus payouts, right up to and including the payout from last month for my reps, but not myself as we missed target so I don’t get my payout. Then there is everything that working in the middle of a mall has done for my self esteem. It has taken me from a scared girl, to a strong powerful woman. It showed me that the world I live in isn’t as scary as those around me tried to make me think. I was bumped to a position of authority in my store based on my experiences rather than how I identify in my personal life, because what should it matter really. I’ve received praise for what I’ve done with my location, something someone once told me would never happen because I’m trans*.

I didn’t document much about the time I was off from that place, because I used the time to cleanse my emotions and my mind. If any of you remember that period, I went from the say I quit up until September before I made a post on this blog. During that time I hit some lows, and have to say I’m not proud of the feelings I had, but I’m proud of myself for combatting them and not allowing them to consume me like they have many in the same position as myself. I learned that only in my own resolve can I work through the issues I had, the fears, the false feelings of insecurity, because frankly, people don’t care as long as you live your own life. I’ve learned to not listen to those who will try to scare you, and to be proud of who you are. To not be afraid to step out that door every day because what anyone else thinks of you doesn’t matter, because you are being true to yourself and allowing you to blossom into the human you were meant to be.

I leave with just two words, and they should be followed by everyone on this planet, big or small, tall or short, whatever color your skin, whatever your religion or language: Love yourself.

Rachelle ❤

Being positive and proud of who you are.

As I’ve posted a lot in the past, I promote people loving their bodies and not being or allowing themselves to be shamed by others around them.

That being said I have to say this, Love Yourself. Love every bit of who you are, don’t be afraid to have some extra weight, or short hair or to be really thin, or to be any color in the spectrum. No one can tell you what to look like, or who to be. If you want to be a princess or a prince or anything else never let anyone say never to you.

If you are a big girl/guy, please don’t let others tell you that you’re fat, it doesn’t matter what they think in the long run, as long as you are true to yourself, it is your happiness in the end that matters. Because someone is big doesn’t mean they are unhealthy. Someone who is very thin isn’t always a health but, these preconceived notions is what divides people and makes others feel bad about themselves. Big is beautiful, small is beautiful and everything in between is beautiful, and don’t listen to anyone that tries to change you, because you, yes YOU, are beautiful.

Whether you are CIS or Trans* please never let anyone dictate to you who or how to be. Being in a public place for my work has showed me that the world is full of different kinds of people. Being a trans-woman doesn’t mean that you need to love everything feminine, or that you always have to wear dresses and heels. In my days, I have to say I see very few women who dress like that on a daily basis, so take some consideration for your peers before jumping at them for “not being feminine enough” be you, and let them be themselves. The same thing goes for anyone else, whether you’re a woman or a man, don’t tell someone they can’t be themselves by dictating gender stereotypes to them, because in this world there are people who fall under every shade of the spectrum, and you are no different. Open your heart to everyone, as there are some amazing people you will meet, and can become the most loyal of friends out there as long as you have an open mind.

You look at the animal kingdom, and they have it right, they always look out for one another, why can we as humans not do that as well. Look at people for who they are, not how you perceive them to be. Allow your fellow human to embrace their own “you-ness” and promote them being themselves, and this world will be a much nicer place. At the time of this post there is approximately 7.1 billion people in this world, and you are 1 in 7.1 billion, don’t let anyone dictate to you or do not dictate how things should be for you to “fit in”, because our individuality makes us unique.

I guess the summary of this post is this. Be proud of who you are, and how you are. You are you, and you have to “own it” and show everyone that you are an individual and you will not let them get you down on you. Don’t compare what you have our who you are too anyone else and say you are worse off, because we ask walk a different path in life and there are ups and downs that we will ask face at some point, it’s how we handle it that separates us.

I think that’s it for now, just needed a brain dump, until next time my lovelies!

Rachelle ❤

Wisdom I Wish I Had Years Ago

How many times do I need to think to myself and tell others that: “The only person you can ever be is you”.

This one sentence sums up my life the last two years. As the days tick by, the second anniversary of my coming out and the start of my journey approaches slowly. That’s nearly three months from now, but things just seem to always come back to that one phrase.

You can act like someone else, but all you’ll be is you, acting like someone else. It’s not a very productive thing to try and be someone else. I lived that way for way too many years, and I paid for it emotionally. I tried to live up to others standards, and I forced myself to be that way so I wouldn’t be deemed a “freak” or an “oddity”. You know what, the time I spent seeing a psych taught me something about myself that everyone should learn eventually in their lives, and that’s you can’t run from your past. She b showed me that no matter how I would change my physical appearance, the being inside me, my soul, would always be who I always was, and will be.

I have to admit on more than one occasion in her office I broke down into tears coming back into touch with some really negative feelings and past events. Looking back, this was the beginning of big things for me. To be able to approach those feelings again, the pain, the thoughts, it taught me about myself. How I built my own beliefs on some of the things I had happen to me, that were said. I feel that my healing process wasn’t done before I was essentially forced to stop seeing her when I was out of work. The thing I did do though, was I still approached my past, and have worked through a lot of what for me hurt, and this really brought out a negative person. Looking back at some of my early posts here reflect that, and as you can see as time goes on, they get better as time passes.

I really think that what defines me currently is my strong will, and the fact that I feel no need to conform. Yes, I’m a big girl, yes I’m trans, yes I love pink, yes I am me. I see no need to apologize for who I am, or the fact that I have pride in who I am. In not going out of my way to lose weight, because I’ve always been a big person and now, it allows me to become the big beautiful woman on the outside, that I always was on the inside.

When I first started to transition, I thought I had to confirm to fit in, but I learned that the real friends I have don’t care if I’m a size 0 or a size 32. They wouldn’t care if I wore a dress or jeans and a tank. They don’t care if I am a lesbian or I’m straight. If people didn’t like me, then it’s their loss, if they do them they would learn that I am a loyal friend who will put herself (even financially)out to ensure her friends well being. So far I have had trouble finding those people locally (save for maybe a couple), but I never close a door.

So , it all comes back to confidence. Being in a very public position has put me into a place where I had to develop some self confidence or I’d be eaten alive. I started with false confidence, which when I found out my worries were nothing more than in my own head, and that I was accepted into society as Rachelle built into a semblance of actual confidence. Pair that up with the fact that when I started my new job, when I advanced and became a manager, it helped more and more to build up that confidence. Paired with new friendships and accepting bosses and employees who will celebrate with me, is built me up to take on the world.

Recently I’ve been thinking more and more about my favorite quote. The words I live by, and if I ever have to choose words to describe my life when I die it would be these. “Don’t dream it, be it”. From the Rocky Horror Show by Richard O’Brien. They describe the life of probably a lot of people in my place being trans, forced to only dream of your true self, but with the bravery we have deep inside, we can indeed be it, instead of just dreaming of it.

I think I’m going to end here, with a couple more words of wisdom that I’ve learned. Embrace your me-ness, and be proud that you are an individual, not forced into being something you’re not. Don’t buy into someone else’s version of beauty, because you are beautiful without anyone else’s input required.

Until next time my lovelies!

Rachelle ❤

I reflect on the year behind

As I mentioned in my last posting, my day of freedom was approaching. That day is now here, and passed. As I reflect on the past twelve months, and the things that have changed, and how I’ve changed, I’m sure you, my readers can tell the difference. I have a new picture to share at the end of this post, showing even more changes from the last two weeks.

The day I left my former position, I was casting around more weight than I currently do. I’d have to put my weight at that time around the 400 pound (181kg) mark. Now, while I’m happy with who I am, and I accept the fact that I’m a big beautiful woman, 400 pounds was not flattering to say the least. I was wearing a size 32 ladies or prior to transition, a 54 men’s pant. As of yesterday I went to get new jeans for work, I am now a size 28, but if absolutely needed, I could quite possibly fit into a 26 ( depending on cut and material). As well, unfortunately we grabbed a 1x pair of PJ pants, and I can actually get into them (tight, but still). So, converting into men’s sizes, I’d be approximately a 48. Using a rough estimate based on my size and height, I think it’s safe to say I’m around the 300-320 pound (136-145 kg) mark. As a reference point, I have not been that size in probably 7-9 years, as my wedding tuxedo had size 50 or 52 pants, I cannot quite recall. Just doing the quick math there, I’ve lost nearly 100 pounds (45 kg) if not that as I’ve not stepped on a scale in many years. Now, you can see what the stress of that place did to me. I’ve not changed what I eat, it’s how much and how often. I would eat when I got stressed, I’d eat when I was under too much pressure, if eat when I was feeling used and beaten down and broken by that place. I’m still a big girl, but not as big as I was. It’s easier to find some clothes, it’s kind of nice. I figure that as long as I keep my lifestyle the way it is, I’ll continue to burn through the pounds and meet my surgery weight by the time my year on hormones concludes next September.

The next thing would be my overall outlook on life. When I was employed there, I felt that the world wanted to just kick me down and keep me there. I’ve realized since then, that it wasn’t the world, it was the people I worked for. The way I was treated gave me a major confidence issue, one that I can still remember and feel the long lasting trauma from today. Today, I’m a proud big beautiful trans woman who is happy with herself and how she portrays who she is to the public and world in general. I have to admit that I had to fake confidence for the first few months that I was full time, but faking that was one of the best things I could do. It portrayed me as a genuine woman, and shaped me into realizing that I wasn’t pretending to have confidence at all, that I actually did believe in myself, and that I was beautiful in the eyes of those people who love me and care about me.

When I was hired to work in a mall location I was scared to death, scared that I would be attacked, whether it be a man or a woman. I feared for my well being, and hoped and prayed that no one ever found out I am trans. As time passed, I realized that my fears were realistically all in my own mind, as the communities I’ve worked in, people honestly just don’t care. While the majority of my fear has now subsided, there is still a part of me that is always on guard waiting for someone to lash out at me, and force me to defend myself. That day hasn’t come, and likely never will, as my secret and stealth has been broken and nothing has changed, leaving me a more trusting person who has some faith in humanity.

The other thing with that is the fact that I tried to maintain a stealth lifestyle, but have v come to the realization that I just don’t care. I’ve adopted the attitude that if someone really wants to know about me, if they ask, with respect I’ll engage in conversation and answer any reasonable questions they have. I’m proud to be a trans woman, and me being open and out with this info definitely is a change from how I was a year ago.

Them there is my overall confidence and ability to speak up for myself if someone is not respecting myself or one of my friends/employees. Unlike before I can now openly speak my mind. If something is bothering me I’m more likely to bring it up rather than bottle it in, so it doesn’t eat away at me like it used to. If someone is staring at me I’ll smile and say hi, even if they were being creepy with the staring. Just things like this have shaped me into the woman I am today.

There are other things I’m missing I’m sure, but these are some of the major things off the top of my head right now. I’m out for now, but I will write again my lovelies.

Rachelle

As July Breaks in the year 2013

I warn you before i start, this post has some rather personal and direct ststements about parts on my body that some may not be comfortable reading about.

Another month in my journey has passed, and it was one that was filled with milestones. Between my name change and my official one year anniversary of my transition it was emotional to say the least. The change in blockers has been a curve ball for me, and it seems as though some changes are still happening, others are reverting. Not that this is a bad thing, its not a great thing either as it makes me feel that I’m not advancing.

The big changes are that I’m still seeing breast growth. Don’t get me wrong, its not bad, but I’m not even on the estrogen yet, and I’m just about filling the cups of my c bra, and on a day like today it seems like I have actually filled them. I look down and I can’t see past them anymore, its just strange how much progress the body has gone through without the estrogen present. I feel this is a blessing and a curse st the same time, as I feel I might be let down if there isn’t a lot of growth once I do get into the estrogen phase of my transition, but its something I’m anticipating with the amount they have grown already.

The reverting seems to be taking place in the nether regions that I hate to talk about, but its something that is changing. Let’s just say the shrinking is still in tact, just that functionality and sex drive has returned some. I say some, because its rare I get the urges, but they are present again. I have noticed that the shrinking has halted but no growth has occurred. I was speaking with someone about this and was told that with the finesteride this is normal as it only blocks one type of testosterone, so that may explain the changes.

Other than those major things I’ve noticed that my mood swings are less frequent now, but they tend to take me to a darker place, but I’m able to pull out of it because of my sessions in had with the lovely doctor that helped me with my referral in the first place. By the time the mood swing is gone it leaves me wondering why I had those sad and depressing thoughts in the first place. I know I’m doing well because I’m able to pull myself out of that place relatively easy, unlike when I had a hard time coping with the feelings before.

This upcoming Saturday is a milestone for me, as it will have been one year ago I did the best thing I ever could, when I walked out on my former employer of the prior decade. I remember how upset I was that day, and the fact I still harbour some of those feelings today show how hurt I was how I was basically tossed out because people couldn’t handle how I was, or how I became. I remember the conversations I had with the man who owned that business, and how he out and out told me that he had to do what was best for the business, and lo and behold, I transition full time, and they force my hand to walk out because I stand up for myself. I’m definitely not the same scared girl I was that day, I’m brave, I’m proud, and I refuse to let anyone use me, or abuse me. I find it funny to this day that after I leave he goes around behind my back and talks about the 10 year anniversary “bonus” that I missed out on by walking out. Now if I had been treated with the respect that every employee deserves then it would have been paid out, but I know he would have found some way to get out of it had no not walked off. Broken promises, and two facedness will scar that place for me as long as it is under the same ownership, with everything that was said and how nothing ever became of it. (For the record I know at least one person who works there still reads this blog and will go right to the owner and rat on me, well, here is a surprise, I don’t care because I do not have to be respectful of those who refused to give me the least bit of respect after the years I gave to that place)

The change in me has been amazing, I’ve dropped a lot of the weight I put on working there, and I’ve gained back my dignity and I have the respect of my peers, employees and bosses because of the numbers my store does. I have turned a store around that wasn’t hitting targets into one that consistently exceeds the targets we are given. My confidence is so much better now that I’m out of that environment, and into a more public role, so I have to say my readers, that I’m sure you’ve all seen the changes in my writing style since I left there, and have turned my life forward info the remainder of my transition and am just about ready to set the cruise control to being the woman I was meant to be from day one.

Thank you again my readers, I love you all for being here to read my trials and tribulations. Until next time my lovelies!

Rachelle