Well, my readers, we’ve come down to the last couple of days of the month. This has been a learning experience for me, and a lesson in time management.
This post will be a followup to everything that I’ve talked about, and to put a lot of things into perspective, so you can use this to form an overall picture of who I am. I will also talk about what I’ve learned, and how I can apply it to my everyday life.
First, lets talk about the biggest lesson I have learned. That would have to be time management, and the ability to plan ahead of time. Without some planning, a couple of posts got out of hand on me, and I had to struggle to figure out a topic and an outline, so I will definitely take that forward into any writings I have planned for the future. I have some plans moving forward, and what I’ve learned this month will help me structure those writings into a proper format, and time frame to be written. Speaking from a planning perspective, the last few posts prior to this were fairly hard to set out, as I didn’t have a topic outline, and I found myself at times grasping for content. I really hope I didn’t repeat myself too much in the posts, but I’m working on making that better in the future.
Lets now touch on a few more personal things that I learned.
I learned that I am complex. My brain is not a simple thing that I have full control over, but at the same time, I realize that I am how I am for a reason. There was a lot of trauma in my past, and I’m doing all I can to get through it, and it’s a tough thing for anyone to deal with. From losing friends, to be abused by my family. It’s shaped me the way I am now. I have to give credit to the people who helped me learn the lessons I have. The abusers, the users, and the ones who have abandoned me. I have taken everything that has happened in my life, and it’s created this layer of trauma, that I’m fighting through every day of my life. Every day I wake up, it’s a fight with the thoughts and feelings, just to get through to another day, to survive another night. These fights, have built up my system to be strong, they have built me up to survive.
The people in my life are important, and I need to stop pushing people away. Of course there are going to be some bad and nasty people that come into your life that need to be removed, but it’s not all of them that deserve to go. The ones who talk behind your back, those that poke fun at you, those who don’t want to support you in all your decisions, they can be removed. I’m talking about those who stand by you, and though they may be silent supporters, they are supporters none the less. Don’t push your friends away, and make the time of day to reach out and talk to those people who mean something to you. Have a conversation, go out for coffee, just say hi, and don’t hide away from them is the biggest thing I can say there. I know with my BPD it’s a tough thing to avoid pushing away those who it feels like they are doing you wrong, because your brain is telling you that you’re in the wrong, that they need to be gone out of your life. You have to fight those thoughts, and rebuild bridges, keep those healthy relationships close to you in your life no matter what your brain tells you.
Do not hide yourself. I did it for too many years, in multiple aspects of my life. From coming out, to being pansexual, to admitting that I have a poly heart. Please, don’t bottle things like these inside you, they will eat away at you, and they will slowly destroy you from the inside out. There is always an option to be yourself, yes it may hurt, but in the end, you’ll know who will stand by you through the thick and the thin.
Open your heart. There are a lot of people out there who are hurting, there are a lot of people out there who need a friend. I for a long time isolated myself from people, and when I started to open up, I found people who accepted me, and love me for who I am, not anything that is superficial. Bring new friends into your life, and don’t limit the people you speak to, and associate with. Some of the nicest people out there will be the ones that you never thought you could get along with. For me, this was a big thing, realizing that I don’t need to fit into a certain stereotype, and I can indeed form friendships and maybe relationships with people of all walks of life.
Your brain can play games with you. With me, it’s the BPD (Borderline personality disorder) and the potential BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) that shape a lot of my thoughts day to day. As much as I struggle with it myself, sometimes those thoughts aren’t actually true. You are wanted, you are not alone, you won’t be abandoned. Your body is beautiful, you look wonderful, you don’t need to change. I fight these things daily, it’s not easy to shut them off, hell, damn near impossible to do. Just realize that those thoughts may not reflect the actuality in your life.
Don’t listen to haters. These people thrive on seeing you in pain. They don’t want you to succeed, and they don’t want you to be happy. They have many names, many guises, but they will pretend to be your friend, while mentally or emotionally sabotaging you from within. They thrive on turning your worst fears against you, and will exploit every weakness that you have in you.
Sometimes you need to be alone. Whether it be to just cover your own thoughts, or to meditate, sometimes it’s best that you clear your mind, and just get out the pain in your own way. Learning to deep meditate is a key skill that I suggest people learn. The ability to clear your mind, and for you to escape to a place of light will come in handy when you’ve hit rock bottom, and it lets you swim away from those thoughts, even if just for a little bit.
Keep the people you love close to you. Talk to them daily. Reach out to them daily. Tell them you love them every day of the week. It may be tough to do, but it makes a difference in the life of those around you. A little bit of love goes a long ways to making someones life a little better.
Smile. I mean really smile. Don’t fake a smile, show your beauty through your smile. Even if things are bad, everyone has and needs a smile sometimes. Smiling at strangers is infectious. Working in a mall kiosk I can say that as a fact. 9 out of 10 people you smile at will go from having a grumpy look to a smile back at you. It’s simple human emotion, and it can go a long way to making someone feel way better.
It’s okay to get lost in your own thoughts. Sometimes they seem like they are drowning you, but there are positives there with the negatives, and those positives need to make a stand, to help you through the rough times. Don’t let your emotions rule your thoughts, and keep them under your control.
Take care of yourself. You only get one shot at being here on this planet in this life. Don’t let food rule your life, and don’t let your size affect your outlook on the world. When I was big, I was happy, but at the same time, I couldn’t be who I have always wanted to be, now that I’ve dropped some weight, I’m still relatively happy, but I like my body more now than I did before. I’ve also fallen into the range of a surgery weight.Sometimes, in order to get what we want and need, we have to work hard, and change things about ourselves to make us whole. This doesn’t mean you have to change to be a good person, or to feel whole, but for me, it has helped a bit.
Embrace your evolution. If you look at how I have evolved, you’ll notice I didn’t listen to people when they told me I wouldn’t make it. What did I do, I stepped it up. I took my transition in my own hands, and I evolved from who I was, into the person that I am today. I have taken those words of hate, and used them to make me motivated to try new things, and embrace them if they make me look a little better. From hair, to piercings, to tattoos, to my weight loss. I have evolved many times over, each time shedding a cocoon to emerge as a more beautiful creature.
Don’t be afraid. Yes the world is scary, but in the end, there is always someone willing to stand by your side in the day to day fight. You deserve to be treated well, and you deserve all the best that life has to offer. People will hate on you for being yourself, but at the same time, they do not understand you, nor will they try to. They will keep in their own ignorant own minds, and refuse to see that you are a human being, one that has a heart and feelings, and can be hurt.
Lastly, I want to say the thing I’ve always echoed. Love yourself. You are perfectly you, and no one can change that fact.
My friends. It’s been a long month here, and I feel like I’ve grown from the experience of writing these posts. I’ve learned to be more open with my thoughts, and my experiences, as they may help others around me. I may be a role model, or an inspiration to some if I share this about me. I don’t expect pity for the bad I’ve lived through, I just want to let others in the same situation know that I’m still here, and they aren’t alone.
As much as I can say this, thank you for being here this month, and for following me through all these posts, lots of triggers throughout, and a lot of what I hope is good as well. Please, if you enjoy my writing, please let me know, tell me in a comment, or on my facebook reblog of this post. I want to know if I have reached anyone out there and taught them a little bit more about myself than they knew before. I’m pretty sure even those closest to me learned at least one thing about me.
I wrap this up with my usual ending, and I’ll be back tomorrow with my final post of the month.. Whats coming next for me and my blog..
I love you all. You are all beautiful, lovely, handsome, and just all around wonderful people.