Diaries of a Fat Trans Woman: Airing Dirty Laundry

This is what I deal with as a fat trans woman when it comes to dating, these are the things I didn’t say to her when I said it wouldn’t work out and blocked and removed her from my life. This experience hurt, a lot, mostly because of the abusive things thrown at me, and despite my efforts to fix the things that “were wrong” nothing was ever enough. This is an exercise in getting this out of my head and heart so I can move on in life, and work on new things.

A Note to a Former Lover:

“Don’t you ever say that I didn’t care, don’t you dare say I didn’t do my most to make things work out.

I left because of things you said, things about me, things about us .

You were emotionally unavailable to me, from day one. You claimed it’s because you had a baby, and your kids are your life, that’s no excuse for treating me the way you did. I did nothing but give my all emotionally, to get nothing back. You were the first to say I love you, but that was it. I had days upon days you’d refuse to say it back to me, because you were emotionally unavailable. If you’re that way, then why form a relational with me, I’m not a okay time partner or booty call.

I had mental insecurities yes, but that’s because you never once said anything nice about me without me asking. The only time you complimented me, I had to have a dysphoria breakdown and basically ask for some form of reassurance, and even then it felt like you didn’t even care. You then tell me that things are overwhelming, so I ask how to help, and you just want me to only talk to you when you talk to me first.

You constantly criticized me. Whether it be my breath or this mysterious scent that no one else could ever smell, no matter what I did, it was wrong. I literally scrubbed my skin raw, and brushed my teeth and gums so hard they bled, and that wasn’t enough. I’m plagued by your words still a month later, insecure about everything I ever did.

You refused to touch me, but would take all the touch I would give to you. It honestly felt like a I’ve sided relationship, because I was the one putting out the effort in every way.

You basically proved to me in your last messages you didn’t want a relationship with me, you just wanted the perks of a relationship. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too, meanwhile I don’t know when you’d message or if you’d message.

My needs, were entirely ignored. Your false promises, they hurt, and broke my trust. No matter what I felt for you, that’s gone now, in a way I’ve never had happen before, but the trauma you brought me with your actions, and words.. that lingers.”

Horrible memories

Post contains triggers for myself, and may trigger it’s readers.

More time has passed since my last post here than I’d like, but I unfortunately needed a hiatus to clear my mind, and to recover my emotions after a rather trying time the last bit here.

Last week, I had a follow-up physical with my GP, so I can resubmit my application for GRS funding. While that sounds fairly simple and uncomplicated, my mind took it upon itself to be triggered by something. To open the floodgates to a painful memory that I had completely blocked out. This is something that I don’t speak of lightly, as it has totally knocked me for a loop and made me rather useless in my day to day life. I’ve been dragging along, until I couldn’t do it anymore, I had to speak about this.

When I was young, something happened to me that I can see how it shaped me in my life, and the thoughts of it still haunt me, though it’s been a week since it all played out like it were yesterday. In my younger years, I tried to say I was not me. That I was a girl, not a boy, and honestly the church intervened. They did their own conversion therapies, and it was that, that had a huge effect on me. Not because they tried to pray the gay away (which really wasn’t the issue at the time), but because I was violated. I was pinned down and called every name in the book, and forced to well.. I would call it rape really. I remember vividly now, the feelings of weakness and the struggle trying to get up (I was not a small child or a weak one, but I could not move), and the pain brought upon when… I can’t even write the words my readers, but I’m sure you get where I’m going. I can remember the location, and the sights and smells and the words that hurt a lot.. I wasn’t there to be degraded, nor was I there to be violated, to the point where it would affect me for the rest of my life.

Shortly after that to no surprise, my respect for the church and their beliefs dropped off entirely. I never had the chance to get closure, as moving across the country, I can’t even recall the name or the face of the asshole who did that to me now. I had it totally blocked out of my mind, until something triggered it, and it came flooding back at the worst possible time, during a physical with my doctor, that I trust very much. I’ve had other physicals, but never this sort of issue. I don’t know if it has to do with my hormone levels changing, but it chose a pretty crappy time to come along needless to say, as this month has already been pretty bad enough.

So now I go into an attempt to heal, with these words out in the open, I believe that I can finally start to move forward.

The physical itself went well enough, the doctor was a little surprised, that I had gotten an inch shorter, and 113 pounds smaller since the last time she met with me. She signed off on my updated physical form for Alberta Health Services, so I can reapply for my GRS funding again, being below their weight requirements that they set forward last August, and reinforced this past August.

As of weigh in this morning, I was at 260.2 pounds, so that puts me at a total of 104.8 pounds down this year to date. I’ve set my end goal, on top of the weight loss surgery and excess skin removal. My end goal weight is 189 pounds, just slightly above the “normal” BMI range. I set it at this because, I found that no matter my weight when I have my bariatric surgery, I will still lose some weight, and when I do the excess skin removal, I will be losing another 15-20 pounds from that alone. I feel good I can set my goals in stone, even though I may have to work really hard to hit these numbers, but I have to admit I’ve never felt this good about my body and the changes that have happened so far, and I can’t wait to be able to look back on my journey, combating my eating disorder, and see that I actually did it all, that I fought, and I made it, that I was able to actually be me throughout it all.

So now, I am back to trying to recover my mind, though putting it out into the open, it makes it a fair amount better, it’s not bottled up in my head, and hopefully some can read these words, and see the pain that the young me went through, and why I repressed myself for a lot of years, and why I am afraid of people in general. I’ve been trying to be more open, but I’m working on that as I develop.

Now, I close off this post with a little insight into my next post. Next time, I want to talk about the change in my blockers, and the effect it’s had on my nearly two months in now. What have I noticed that is different and what have I noticed that hasn’t changed. It may get a little NSFWish, but honestly, I think if you’re still following me by now, you’ll know that I try not to pull punches, and give the honest truth and my thoughts on everything going on during my transition. I may attach some progress pictures, as there have been some major changes since my last time I posted images, but I will cross that when that day approaches.

Until next time my readers, I promise you that I will stay strong so I can continue to share my story. As I continue to grow, I will keep you all in my heart

Rachelle ❤