Diaries of a Fat Trans Woman: Airing Dirty Laundry

This is what I deal with as a fat trans woman when it comes to dating, these are the things I didn’t say to her when I said it wouldn’t work out and blocked and removed her from my life. This experience hurt, a lot, mostly because of the abusive things thrown at me, and despite my efforts to fix the things that “were wrong” nothing was ever enough. This is an exercise in getting this out of my head and heart so I can move on in life, and work on new things.

A Note to a Former Lover:

“Don’t you ever say that I didn’t care, don’t you dare say I didn’t do my most to make things work out.

I left because of things you said, things about me, things about us .

You were emotionally unavailable to me, from day one. You claimed it’s because you had a baby, and your kids are your life, that’s no excuse for treating me the way you did. I did nothing but give my all emotionally, to get nothing back. You were the first to say I love you, but that was it. I had days upon days you’d refuse to say it back to me, because you were emotionally unavailable. If you’re that way, then why form a relational with me, I’m not a okay time partner or booty call.

I had mental insecurities yes, but that’s because you never once said anything nice about me without me asking. The only time you complimented me, I had to have a dysphoria breakdown and basically ask for some form of reassurance, and even then it felt like you didn’t even care. You then tell me that things are overwhelming, so I ask how to help, and you just want me to only talk to you when you talk to me first.

You constantly criticized me. Whether it be my breath or this mysterious scent that no one else could ever smell, no matter what I did, it was wrong. I literally scrubbed my skin raw, and brushed my teeth and gums so hard they bled, and that wasn’t enough. I’m plagued by your words still a month later, insecure about everything I ever did.

You refused to touch me, but would take all the touch I would give to you. It honestly felt like a I’ve sided relationship, because I was the one putting out the effort in every way.

You basically proved to me in your last messages you didn’t want a relationship with me, you just wanted the perks of a relationship. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too, meanwhile I don’t know when you’d message or if you’d message.

My needs, were entirely ignored. Your false promises, they hurt, and broke my trust. No matter what I felt for you, that’s gone now, in a way I’ve never had happen before, but the trauma you brought me with your actions, and words.. that lingers.”

The Search For Poly Love as a Fat Trans Woman

In this world of high tech dating, there is a lot of pitfalls that can befall someone of my size, gender, disability, sexuality, and status as a non-op trans woman.

Disclosure is always my number one thing I do, and that filters out about 90% of the people who show interest in me, the other 10%, about 5% of those show actual interest, my disability, or my weight tends to be the issue. Of the remaining 5%, most claim to accept me as I am, and though some are genuine, I’ve been fooled by those who only want to further my dating traumas.

Those are the people I want to talk about today. The ones who I’ll get to know, and maybe get to the point of intimacy with, but then end up leaving after seeing my body, experiencing intimacy with me, and refusing to have anything to do with me, while I end up pleasing them. A good portion of these people who fall into this category, end up only having me around until a cis gender person comes along. Then there will be cases when someone gets to know me, and hear about my trauma, or see how it affects me and after that they will walk away. They will lose interest in a romantic relationship, and I’m back to square one again.

All of the relationships I’ve been in, have developed fast, and I think that’s a problem, when I tend to commit my heart quickly, things tend to go wrong. The only flaw with this, is.. I struggle to develop relationships over a period of time. My borderline personality disorder eats away at me, and I need reassurance that not a lot of people will provide. This stems from my younger years, as being the kid no one wanted to date, I lived through rejection after rejection, and it shaped me to crave love, to crave affection, and in turn caused me to get into the cycle of jumping in with both feet, and holding onto abusive relationships, when I should be instead in healthy relationships. I’m working on changing this about myself, so there is a positive in it all.

This has caused a huge rift in my head, a lot of mental health issues. It’s just like when it comes to meeting new people, my brain automatically goes to.. they will do the same to me, and that hurts the potential relationship, because of that mental baggage.

There’s always the once in a blue moon where someone will get to know me, and see that I’m more than the sum of my body parts. Those are the gems in the world, the true to life good people, who will allow me to be me, to have my insecurities, and to reinforce that not all people are bad.

But it’s the ones who have done all these bad things to me, the ones that have left after getting to see that I am human and have mental health troubles that have caused me major troubles, and I’m guessing I’m not alone in all this. I know that trans individuals have a tough time dating, let alone those of us who have no hopes of bottom surgery. Add to that, the weight and the disability, and you have the makings of a nightmare situation in the dating pool.

I try my best. I have people who love and support me, and just want me to be happy, and I press on because of them, I keep moving forward because of them. Though that does not minimize the effect that these others have had on me.

I don’t want to continue on this about my own personal experiences, but I want to ask..

What is wrong with being trans that makes me undesirable?
Why does me being fat, have to cause people to not want to get to know me?
Why should I have to change myself surgically, whether it be weight or genitals to be desirable to the people I would date?
Does my mental health issues, history and treatments mean that I’m unlovable?

The good ones, they make themselves known quickly, and I do appreciate all they do for me. So the answer to “Can I find love as a fat trans polyamorous woman?” Is a resounding yes, but with the caveat, that there will be a lot of hurt on the journey.