That’s the way karma goes..

My readers, last time I posted was a rather dark experience, interlaced with a bit of good. This post however, I’m going to try and keep on the more lighter side of things.

First thing is first.. My girlfriend and I are very happy, and are loving every minute we are together. I feel like I never have before when I’m with her, like I’m walking on clouds, like I’m floating in the air. I’m as happy as can be. I’m madly in love, and I could never say I was happy before, but now, I have a chance to live authentically as myself, with a woman who loves me for me, not who I was, or what I was, she sees me as me and nothing else.

Now for the big news. This is the thing I’ve been waiting 18 months to see, and my entire life to finally believe and see the light at the end of that tunnel that is my journey. I got my surgery funding approval letter. After I was denied, I had to work hard to get out of that rut I was in, but now, all my fighting and working have paid off, and I am eligible for my surgery funding next year after April 1st 2017. This means that I will be getting my affirmation surgery within the next year and a half. This is what I was fighting for, this is what my journey was about from the beginning, being me for the rest of my life.

This was meant to be a short post, so I’m gonna kinda leave it here, short and sweet.

I haven’t been happier my readers, and my depression and BPD are still present but I have them mostly under control.

I love you all for following my journey so far, and I look forward to sharing with you how things go from here.

Rachelle ❤

Recent Changes in my Journey

As I promised in my last post, I said I would follow up with how things have been changing on my body, in my head and my mannerisms, and all the like. This post may be considered NSFW, so read with caution in a public space.

I’ll start with the changes to my medications. I was told that my T levels were higher than when I first started transition. If any of you have been following me since day one, you’ll know I was initially put on Spironolactone, but taken off it within a month or two due to an allergic reaction that was slowly eating away the inner lining of my stomach. I was put onto Finasteride by my gatekeeper, and then once I met my endocrinologist, she switched me to Dutasteride. I was on these blockers since March 2013. In every one of the meetings and followups I had with my endocrinologist, she would mention my T levels were too high, and we would try various things, like progesterone added in, but it was still causing some issues with high T production. Just about two months ago, I got an emergency call from her, and she told me my T levels were higher now then any time I had seen her. She didn’t have a solution that she could suggest, which is kinda sad since she has been working with trans patients for many many years, and had never run into someone that has the same issues with blockers I’ve had. Her sure fire solution was of course the orchiectomy surgery, but as we’ve seen, the urologist will not grant me that until I get to a ridiculous weight. This not being an option in the immediate time, I mentioned a drug called Androcur, (cyproterone acetate) that I had heard about from other trans people in other parts of the world. She figured at that point it was worth it to give it a shot and looked at the side effects and the interactions with the other things I’m on, and approved it. Now, I said I’ve been on it two months, and I can already say there is a major difference, but we will discuss those further along in the post. Now as for my hormones, I’m still on the estrodiol in gel form, and of course I was put on progesterone last august and have maintained them as part of my daily HRT regimen. The progesterone has had a pretty bad effect on my mental stability, causing some major depression and negative thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure if it’s doing it’s job, but I will admit that I’ve had some decent other effects come along while I’ve been on it, again, that I’ll mention in the upcoming paragraphs.

My mental stability has certainly changed under the effects of HRT. Before, I can say I was emotionally and mentally stable for the most part, but as I mentioned in another post many moons ago, my mood swings were fairly bad when I was on the Spiro, so my T levels must have been a little lower at that point. After the change from that, my moods stabilized for the most part, until I came onto the Progesterone, which is where I offer my biggest piece of advice.. If you are having some issues already with depression, please, please make sure you’re under the care of a doctor while you are on it. The side effects directly state that depression and feelings of worthlessness/suicidal tendencies will come along. I for one can say these are true expectations that should be set. As I went from relatively stable to those exact feelings myself. Thats all I’ll touch on that, since I’m trying to maintain a positive vibe in this post.

Mannerisms, I have noticed some changes here in the last couple months, as well as through my whole transition. I’ve of course noticed my walk evolve into one that is lighter, and a little bouncier, and a little more sway in my step. I’ve noticed my mannerisms have changed a bit too, though that may be more due to practice, like when I’m speaking and casually softening my look without thinking about it, speaking softer, and just gesturing and moving softer. I can’t say I can account it to the hormones, or the blockers, but it really seems like since I’ve been on good blockers, that some of these have been more pronounced.

Of course, there is the body changes. This is where things get a little racy, so if you don’t want to hear this, I would stop reading now.

Firstly, for the first while on hormones, my libido crashed. Like totally and completely. Having said that, no libido was not a bad thing, but functioning parts, is a huge pain in the ass. Having enough testosterone in the system to keep things doing it’s random things is awkward, as well as mornings. Luckily, the new blockers have taken care of that really quickly, having cut function to near nothing, as it was a huge embarrassment. With that though, I’ve noticed my libido has climbed back up steadily, though I have very little to no desire to fulfill it. I hate to openly admit this sort of stuff in a public forum such as this, but during my years of HRT, I’ve noticed some significant shrinking, of both the testes and the other part in that region. We’re talking a reduction in size of around 50% or so, and 60-70% in the testes (though thats only since I started the new blockers).

Then there is the chest. All I can really say is that I truly believe that I have been gifted with good genes, as I currently sitting at a natural C, and I’ve gone into a growth cycle again, as I’ve been getting a lot of tenderness and pain in that area again. I can basically point the finger at the blockers I was on before. My T levels were so high, I had minimal growth, but now the hormone is being stopped, I have gone into growth again. Part of my chest size can likely be attributed to weight at beginning of transition, so I’ve been able to keep some of that.

The rest of the body changes aren’t that racy really, with my weight loss, I’ve noticed I’m developing a bit of an hourglass with hips and whatnot. I’ve noticed curves developing, and softening of my face. I’m also fighting a little with excess skin, but thats something to work on as we move along with weight loss. Of course, of note there was the inch of height I’ve lost in the last year, and will likely losing a little more now that my body has gone back into a “growth cycle”.

End of the racy stuff.

So that’s it. Sone parts of this have been tough to write, to open my soul and my comments on my body, my mind and things that have changed since I updated a post like this (which I can’t remember when I did last) Sorry if any of the comments turned people away, but I pride myself on being an open blogger, and sharing whats going on, this is all part of my transition story.

So for now my readers, I sign off for the second night in a row, with more words of wisdom. Be yourself, don’t let anyone tell you, or make yourself think that you’re not good enough, because damn it, you are. You are an individual, you don’t need to conform to anyone’s ideal of who you should be.

Until next time,
Rachelle ❤

The upcoming 30 days

In my last post, I spoke purely about my weight loss journey, I feel I should update based on everything else in my life and transition too. October will be a big month for me, potentially the best I’ve had since I came out nearly 4 years ago.

October 1, I am prepared to shock the first doctor who I haven’t seen since starting my weight loss journey. I have a second round lined up with the urologist who denied me my orchi earlier in the year based on my weight. Since I saw her, I’ve lost in the range of 80 pounds, and she said she would do the surgery if I hit a certain weight. Well, I’ve hit the high range of her stated weights, and I’m ready to see if she will live up to her end of the bargain. This will be a challenge facing the doctor who wouldn’t even grant me a face to face explanation of her denial, so tensions will be high in that office. I can just hope that things go my way this time, and I manage to make am impression unlike the old me.

October 5, I have my first meeting with the bariatric surgeon, for his initial consultation. This appointment will be a little higher stress than the others, since a large portion of the work I’ve done this year losing weight was targeted at this surgery. I’m at the point where I should be plateauing and my loss will slow down. I’m going to maintain my eligibility, but by the time the surgery date would come around, I likely will not need it if my weight continues to fall.

And lastly, I’ve broken the 40 BMI weight limit requirement for my GRS by a big amount. I will be requesting a letter from all the doctors I will be seeing this month to send to Alberta Health Services to clear me of their requirements. I’ve anticipated some backlash, but I’ve got an ace in the hole, I’ve arranged for a follow up physical with my GP on October 21, in case they decide to try and tell me I need a new one.

That’s my upcoming month. I’m hoping that things will finally turn my way and I’ll have the three surgery approvals I need in order to move on in my journey.

I’ll have more updates when I see the doctors, until then, love yourself, and don’t just dream it, be it.

Rachelle ❤

The darkest post you’ll see from me.

Looking at the past year, I’ve had a lot of negative things impact my life. A lot of false hopes shattered, and a lot of lies told to me. I’ve had some successes, and I’ve had some failures, all in all, I’ve learned about life, and how it’s not always playing by the rules, and how one down story can lead to another and another. This will arguably be one of the hardest posts I’ll ever have to write on here.

I’ve had my moments of weakness, and I’ve had my moments of strength. I’ve found my life to be defined by those few moments of strength, that defied the weakness. Have I had horrible thoughts? Hell yes I have. Have I been at my breaking point, ready to just give in to the darkness? Well, yeah.. On multiple occasions. I’ve had to purge people out of my life on multiple occasions in the last year, for being ignorant to my situation, or because they bring back haunting memories of old times, when I was covering up who I was, to appease the masses.. to fit in to society.

It was just over a year ago, when I got that fateful letter about my GRS funding. The day when my life went from a smooth road, to a highway through hell. The day when I read that letter, I had a very long shower. Long enough that I could have taken a deep breath or more full of water, filled my lungs and died right there. Something stopped me however. The tears that filled my eyes, and the rage in my chest told me that I couldn’t give in to what they wanted from me. One more excuse to make the trans community look weak. To make me look weak. Well here I am a year later, now part of a sick statistic about suicide and suicidal thoughts and attempts by trans people.. 41% at the last check in.. 41% have thought, attempted or committed suicide. As much as I would have rather seen an early exit out of this mortal world, I decided to languish in my own personal hell, a world where I felt that everything I had done to that date was a waste of time, that it wasn’t worth pushing on.

In that shower, I saw the people I know.. the people I love, and the people I loathe. I saw the people who told me I would never account to anything, and I saw those who were cheering me on to succeed. My mind was awash with misery, and it didn’t seem like there was much of an option for me at the time, but to be rid of the pain, and the hurt that came from essentially being told by a non medical professional that I was not healthy, despite being told by my doctors that I was.

If my overall health was at risk, would my endocrine doctor keep me on the hormone therapy, would my GP give me a clean bill of health, would any of the specialists deem me to be a 0% surgery risk.. No they would not. I would have been taken off HRT, I would have been told to make lifestyle changes to reduce cholesterol or fix blood pressure. In my mind, I was not good enough to be me, I was not good enough to live, I just wanted to die, and leave the world a better place without another fat wannabe woman to clog up the system.

But.. I didn’t. I’m still alive a year later, I’m still fighting every day to drop pounds so I can shove it in the face of those who said I can’t do it, that I am healthy, which has been echoed by more and more medical professionals at a weight management clinic, ranging from a dietician to internal medicine doctors. I’ve been told I’m literally a 0% risk in any surgery I want, that I’m an anomaly in their clinic because they’ve not seen someone like me, someone who is big, healthy, and making changes to bend the system to her will. I’ve been cleared for gastric bypass surgery in a near record time in the clinic, and while in their care, I’ve dropped as of this morning, 78 pounds since the beginning of the year, and nearly 90 since my physical this time last year. I’m no where near a “normal” weight or BMI, but I can’t remember the last time I was at this weight. The weight on my drivers license reads 123 kg, and that hasn’t been changed in 18 years, and I’m nearly back to that point again. If that tells you how long I’ve been suffering from my addiction to food, I don’t know what would.

All in all.. I’m stable again. I’ve still got a little ways to go (about 10-15 pounds) before I can laugh in the face of Alberta health, but my emotions are stable. Instead of focusing on hurt this year, I’ve focused on doing with my body what I wanted, getting it covered in wonderful artwork. I’ve gone from 5 tattoos to 15 in a short period of time, though I’m pretty much done for the year now, but I’ll be getting my full left arm done next year. This is a post that has been really hard to write, to bring back those dark thoughts, to manage to open my mind and words up about the darkest time I’ve ever faced, but there it is.

I’m going to wrap this up with my words that I live by, even to this day.

Don’t dream it, be it.

Rachelle ❤

Coping with the inevitable..

It’s been a couple months again since I’ve written or posted anything on here, and I have to say, its been a tough time to say the least.

My weight loss is coming along nicely, as of this morning, I’m down 66.7 pounds, with an average of 1.5 pounds a week lost. I’m continuing to eat healthy portions, watching calories and other nutrients I’m putting into my body, and so far it seems to be working. I’ve gotten all but one approval for my bariatric surgery, which I’m opting for, regardless of my weight at time of surgery. (Last I heard, it’s 15 months from final approval to surgery) It’s more a case of wanting it for preventative measures, keeping me from ruining everything I’ve worked for so far this year. On a positive note, I only need to drop a little under 20 pounds to qualify for the GRS funding to finally get on that wait list for my bottom surgery.

Aside from that, my new store seems to be doing well, with high target achievements in excess of 120% to target, it took a couple months to get staffing all sorted out, but I feel I have a really strong and balanced team now, everyone fills a need in store, and I’m happy to say that we all mesh well as a team.

My moods, could be better, with a lot of the time I’m down in the dumps, or brooding, just feeling blah all around. I attribute this to the progesterone that I was put on in August of last year, as, since then, things just haven’t been all together for me. I know, before I get attacked by people who are on it and don’t have the side effects, that some think it’s necessary for HRT development. Personally, I think it should be extremely monitored who gets put on it, because if it’s dragged me down this much, I can just imagine how it would affect anyone with severe depression before starting it. It may have it’s uses, but it’s side effects are so dangerous, especially the depression part of it.

The jest of my journey, right from my earliest writings has been.. “Hurry up and wait”. This is not something I’m willingly doing, is something that’s thrust upon me with how I seem to despite saying differently, not want to fail. I’m called strong, I’m called brave, I personally don’t think I’m either of these things. I’m me. I’m doing whatever the powers that be tell me to do. My will to live has kept me going, despite my stupid brain trying to tell me to give up. These wait lists, and surgery denials based on a dated concept such as BMI is absolutely stupid.

I got another two denial letters, since I wrote last. The first, was from the urologist’s office. I had gone in for an appointment to book an orchiectomy, and she set a surgery date. I got a call three days after my consult postponing my surgery. May rolls around and I hadn’t heard from her, until I got a letter in the post saying she won’t do it until I’m down to my GRS weight. Total and utter bull shit if you ask me. You do a full invasive physical, and don’t respond to me for months, then you send a letter saying why you won’t do it instead of setting an appointment. Unprofessional, and obviously afraid to see the result of her being as such.

Then, I saw my gatekeeper, who said he would seek out a conditional GRS funding acceptance for me, based on the fact that I’ve dropped 10 BMI points so far this year. What do I get back? “We’re sorry we can’t file a conditional funding acceptance until the patient reaches 40 BMI”. Let me put this in numbers… If they had given me a conditional acceptance a year ago, I’d be up for my surgery next year, which would leave me lots of time to lose the weight. After applying this year, they are booking into late 2017/2018 already. Now, they denied the funding, until I can lose another 25 pounds.. By the time I lose that, they will likely be booking in for late 2018/2019 just going by the 25 surgeries a year thing.. They seriously doubt my ability to lose 25 pounds in 2 years… Like what harm would it do, to create a conditional acceptance, and save me another year of waiting lists.

I want to be strong, I want to make it through, but what good is it, when everyone who pretends to care really has their own motives for being around you. It just feels like I’m just another scapegoat to save the system a buck or two with surgery denial after surgery denial..

I’d prefer to end on a positive note, but I can’t lie to you, those few of you that are left reading my posts. I’m not doing well emotionally, and I end up putting on the strong front to cover my pain, and writing all this out, makes for a bad mental place.

Until next time,

Rachelle H.

Back to the basics

As with everything on life, sometimes you need to step back and analyze what’s going on at any given moment.

For me, it’s been a few years I’ve been working on this blog, leaving my thoughts to the internet, to see my experiences and read my story. It’s had it’s ups, and it’s had it’s downs, but in the end, despite some really really tough times, I’m still here, I’m still alive. No one can see inside my head at any given time, nor can they know what I’ve been through. On the flip side of that, I’m not a mind reader, I can’t see the hurt in other people’s hearts. It is all our own experiences that make us individuals, and that is what makes us stand out from one another.

If being a trans woman meant I had to live my life a specific way, that I had to conform to some sick idea of what it takes to be a woman, then I certainly would not be where I am today. My transition for me, has been a rediscovery of myself, an evolution of who I should have been instead of hiding it all.

I’m a princess, I love the color pink, I love tattoos, piercings, alternative hair colors, being an individual, and being myself. I love that I’m a BBW, and disappointed that the system is forcing me to drop weight just to have the parts I should have been born with (I’m not getting into the fit vs healthy debate again). I’m disappointed that in the eyes of the general public that people like me are chastised, degraded, brow beaten and considered subhuman because we are trying to be who we really are. I am a PC gamer girl, I love anything tech or gadget wise. I’m a computer nerdess. I like to think I’m intelligent, with a lot of strange facts in my head that I shouldn’t know but I do. I’m opinionated, and, I’m introverted. This is me, in a few words.

My style doesn’t exist. My work attire consists of jeans and a uniform top. My clothes that I wear out are relaxed and designed around how they go with jeans. I wear ankle length skirts when I need to dress up, and dresses are almost always out off the picture. I don’t wear heels, since I’m tall already, having extra attention because I’m tall is more than I want, and being a clutz doesn’t make it any better. I’m comfortable in my PJ’s, and I’m getting to be comfortable in my own skin more and more.

Do I blend in? Hell no.. I have pink hair and tattoos.
Do I get compliments on both these things? Hell yes..
Do I get misgendered still despite putting forth an overall feminine image? I certainly do.
Will I change who I am to fit something else’s ideals of what a woman is? No chance in this lifetime of that happening.
Do I appreciate it when people try to change me to blend in,? Not in the least bit.

I am me. I will repeat this no matter where I go in life or what I do with myself. I’m a big girl, I’m a nerd, I’m intelligent and I am obsessed with the color pink. I refuse to change who I am, because I am the greatest thing that exists in life.. I am me!

Love and embrace who you are, regardless of your gender, your skin color, your religion, or anything else that makes you the individual that you are.

Rachelle ❤

Unpredictability

As I briefly mentioned in my note I wrote lately, a few things in my life have changed on recent times. I’ve had lower lows than ever before, but on the flipside of that, there are highs that remind me how I made it this far.

The last time I did any major writing on this blog, I was still mourning for myself, because my future was unsure in regards to my journey. The rejection letter I received was enough to push me back to the anger and depression of how I was pre-transition. If any of you have been reading my blog any amount of time, you’ll see how my emotions evolved, and then regressed depending on where in my story you came in. Basically its time for a new chapter to open in my journey.

In early January I had my initial consult with the bariatric clinic here. I received a lot of info from them, but I also suffered what I thought at the time was a major setback to my journey as a whole. (I’m not sure if I ever posted my weights on this blog, but as of my GRS rejection letter I was at 377 lbs approximately.) I was told about the process the clinic uses to determine bariatric eligibility. There is a 9 month evaluation period, including dieticians, psychologists and doctors of all sorts, followed up by if eligible, another year wait on the surgery. This unfortunately gives me a timeline of 4-6 years depending on amount of wait list for GRS funding, and how rapid the weight loss comes. After I did the math on it all, it pushed me deeper into a hole than I’ve ever been.

Normally at home I’m a quiet girl, but this put me on such an edge that I had an emotional blowout. This ended with a major argument at home, and me being in a place where I had never actually gotten to before emotionally and mentally. Every day since then, I’ve decided to listen to my heart rather than my head, because frankly, my head has tried to lead me to an early grave more than once. I’m a strong person, but even the strongest walls will erode eventually and crumble. Since that day, I’ve felt a little different, with my heart open, to share my story again, to open up and share what is going on with my up again, down again transition.

At home, everyone has started to eat better, and this has led to me starting to drop some initial weight, getting me on the correct path to either A: qualify me for bariatric faster than normal, or B: get me to a weight where I can apply for my GRS funding without bariatric. It’s been a  case of proper portions, and not eating out every single day of the week, and it’s made a significant change in my weight already. As of my weigh in on Friday, I’m down to 342.5 pounds. It was 41 days ago when I started at the 366 pound mark on my first visit to the bariatric clinic, so I’m kinda proud of where I am now. If the loss keeps up, I may not need bariatric, though eventually the weight loss will slow down and level out.

The other thing I need to tell you all about, is the alternative to the full GRS (vaginoplasty) that both my gatekeeper and endo talked to me about prior. I recently saw a urologist, and am going to do an orchiectomy. I’ve been told it can interfere with the final GRS surgery, but if done properly, shouldn’t be an issue. After meeting with the doctor, and talking about my situation (standing half naked in her office while we go over options was a not very fun thing), we decided on a bilateral inguinal orchiectomy. Basically, she makes the incision higher up on the pelvis, avoiding any of the needed tissue for my GRS, and removes the nasty little things. The advantages of this are definitely worth the risk of going under the knife. 1: no testosterone production, leading to less pills to take daily, putting my internal organs at risk, and lower synthetic hormone addition to my body. 2. It’s considered a first stage GRS, so I can apply for my birth certificate gender to be changed. 3. With me losing weight, it’ll be vital to have to tuck, and this will allow me to save a painful step of the tucking process. 4. I will know that I will be safe under anaesthesia for future surgeries.

With this decision, I now need to face my number 1 fear: Surgery. I know, that’s a big one living the life I do, where surgery is one of the final solutions to a problem I’ve been living since day one, but it’s true. I fear getting put to sleep while a doctor cuts me open and does whatever they need to do, and waking up in a strange place, not knowing where I am, or having anyone I know around me. Ah well, I may as well get used to it, with this, bariatric and potential GRS upcoming.

As I always used to say, and I’m getting back into the swing of things again, love yourself, you are the only person that you will ever be. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to change to suit their ideals of who they think you should be. Be proud of who you are, and what you have achieved with your life, even the smallest thing can make the difference in someone’s life.

That’s what’s been up in my life really. It’s been a rollercoaster as usual, but I’m starting to see some positives again. In my next post I’ll try and get back to more details as I used to give, about everything else that’s going on currently.

Until next time my lovelies,
Rachelle ❤

Slipping

It’s been another couple months and a bit since my last posting, and I have some changes to talk about. Some positive, some negative.

Let’s start with the positives. It’s been the months since my dosage increase on my estrogen, and I’m seeing more definition in my chest, but not much anywhere else on my body. I’ve noticed more slight softening in my facial features, with less of a strong jawline, but still a ways to go. My emotions have been easier to trigger as well, but that may be more of a side effect. That’s also part of the negatives to be honest with you. Having received both my letters for surgery approval has been the highlight of my year so far though, with not much going to be able to top that.

On to the negatives..

My foray to get back into the community has had nothing but a negative effect on my moods and overall well being. The overwhelming negativity had a really really strong effect on me, to the point that I’ve had to withdraw again. As much as I want to be part of the group and community, my attitude in life of: live and let live, just doesn’t fit in with the ideals of the community as a whole. I haven’t myself faced any misogyny, or TERF attacks. That didn’t mean they aren’t there, because I know they exist, I just find that as a whole, the community seems fit on forcing ourselves into others. I’m a firm believer that everyone has the right to have their own opinions, and not forcing my own thoughts on them. This seems to make me an outcast because I’m not here to force acceptance of my life on anyone, but I will educate anyone who is willing to listen and learn. I’ll leave it at that as I have my triggers as everyone does, but I can control my emotions to offer suggestions, rather than bullying to get my point across.

I learned that I have another waiting list ahead of me. Now that I’ve been approved for my surgery, I’ve learned that the funding wait list currently sits at 2016, and by the time I become eligible to apply will likely be into 2017. I’ve been patient, had I known that there would have been a three year wait, I would have started putting money away for the procedure myself when I started. Up until recently, I didn’t have a touch of genital dysphoria, but more of a gender dysphoria. I’ve now come to hate and even so far as loathe the situation I’m now in. If I had to put one word towards my emotions since finding this out, it would have to be hopelessness. I realize the story of my whole transition has been wait list after wait list, but the years? That’ll make me 39, when I started on this journey shortly after I turned 33. She there’s always a chance that it could be an overinflated estimate time wise, but after being told 3-6 months prior for a government wait list, and it turning into 12-13 months has me a bit up in arms. I’m not going to dwell on this here too much, or it’ll turn into a full post of its own.

Work has been a mixed bag really, the stresses from that are adding up on me quickly for a number of reasons I can’t mention here, but it’s starting to get me stress eating again, which overall is not good.

I seem to be surrounding myself with fewer people these days, having cut a lot of people out for one reason or another. With that, outs kinda left me out of the loop now, not having anyone to confide in, or guidance/advice from another trans person. In most cases I don’t want part time friends who will message you every 6 months when they feel like it, I’d like to just have to someone to talk to when I have questions or concerns, someone in my situation.

To add everything up, I’ve been kinda miserable since finding out about the wait lists, among other issues that I’ve mentioned. I continue to just be me, and push forward, but it’s been tough to stay positive with how things have turned around. It’s like the light at the end of the tunnel got yanked away from me so I can no longer see it.

The one thing that gets me through, is that I’m me. I am Rachelle, I’m a big beautiful trans woman, (pre-op for the foreseeable future) and no one can take that away from me. I do have to say no matter what you dislike about yourself, promise to always love you, because sometimes that’s what gets you through the day. Not necessarily being perfect in everyone’s eyes, but being perfectly you.

Until next time my lovelies.
Rachelle ❤

Don’t Dream it.. Be It!

My posts have been really sporadic the last few months, ever since last summer even. I’ve not forgotten about this blog. I’ve not been wrapped up on myself, not tracking my progress, I’ve just not made too many changes really.

Writers block is one of the things I attribute this to. Living a life outside the trans* community is another thing that keeps me without anything to write about. I started this blog two years ago to document my changes during transition, and if you read all my posts, you’ll see the evolution of who I’ve become. You’ll see the change from the cynic that I was, to the proud and happy woman I am today. I feel my posts have put you into my head, and showed you how my personal transition has gone.

No two journeys in life are the same, some take the scenic route, and some take the direct, get from point a to point b route. I like to think my route was the best for me, and that I couldn’t have done it any better. I only put it this way because when I started this journey, I had a time frame in mind. I was originally hoping to be where I am this time last year, but because of wait lists over the course, I’m where I am now. In less than a week, I’ll have the letters that every trans* person wants, the letters approving affirmation surgery (SRS/GRS, whatever you want to call it). The light at the end of the tunnel is on sight for me, I’ve cleared the final curve in the tunnel and I can once again see the light of day coming up.

Though, in the long run of things, I’ll still have a wait. I need to do one of two things. First would be building up the funds for the surgery myself, $20,000 or so would be what I need to put away. Alternatively, waiting on government funding. I’m not sure how long the wait for funding is currently, but that’s looking more like the likely situation. To anyone loving where surgery is not funded, my suggestion is, to start saving whenever you can. The next wait list I’ll be facing is going to seem like the longest one yet. If you have your own surgery money, you’ll be able to avoid the wait.

My posts will not be stopping. Not once I have my letters, not when I have my surgery, they will stop when my journey ends, or I ultimately run out of things to say. I have lots of things in my head still, I may go off topic once in a while, I may rant a little too much, and I may offend some of you, but those of you who are still reading, you are the most wonderful people there are. Seeing the page visits keeps me going, even when I go a month or more between posts. It makes me want to do more, and now that I have more time, I’ll be sharing more with you again!

Before I end this post, I feel that I need to share that I used to not be the way I am. I hated myself, even after making the full time transition. My life didn’t change for the positive on its own, I had to remove the negative from it. I had to face myself in that mirror everyday, and smile at who I am, where I am, and what I was achieving. Less stress in my life caused me to stop stress eating, and I lost a lot of weight. That made me see myself in another light, i’m still big, very big, but I’m not allowing anyone to tell me that to be fulfilled in life that I have to be a size 4. I can love myself, and that I can lead a fulfilling life as a big girl, I don’t need to conform to be the best me that I can be. I can want to lose weight, our not want to, but the minute that I hate how I am, I’m no longer being true to myself. Once you’re not true to yourself you lose who you are, and that leads to a dark spiral that is tough to dig out of. Embrace yourself how you are, and if you want to change, then change, if you don’t want to change, then don’t! Let who you are come out and show the world just how awesome you really are!

The lessons I’ve learned I’d love to share them and make a difference. Not just to trans* people, but to everyone. Embrace your you-ness and let’s see how awesome the world could be!

Until the next post my lovelies!
Rachelle ❤

How time flies

It amazes me how far time flies. It’s been nearly a month since my last post, but not a lot has changed.

My increased dosage of estrogen seems to not have had much of an impact yet that I’ve seen, but it is a long process changing ones hormones. I’ve been poked and prodded with enough needles in the last months to last me a lifetime, but at least everything is coming back all clear now. I’m not sure why those tests were messed up, but they have quite a scare.

I had another appointment with my gatekeeper, and he’s given his approval for my surgery, and May 1, I go and officially get my other letter qualifying me for the affirmation surgery. I’m almost through it folks, I’m in a happy place over that. Next hurdle.. Waiting on the money/funding for the surgery. I’ll be trying to put something away, but likely the government funding will come before that. I’ll write up another post on this once I have my letters in hand.

Work seems to be doing fine, I’m down to just one location now, as my dual manager spot was meant to be temporary (6 months is a long temp position if you ask me). Either way.. I rocked it while I could. I managed to make an extra chunk of change from it, and solidified my reputation with the company.

Besides that, I’ve decided that despite my past experiences with the trans* community, that I need to reach out and try and help. I’m going to attempt to go to the support group meetings again, and offer my insights on my own transition because of how positive it’s been. I feel I have a lot to share, and maybe make a difference, and encourage some positivity.

I’m still huge on body positivity, as we all are who we are. Whether you want to change your body or keep it the same.. Love it how it is right now, without it, you’d not be here right now.

This was just meant to be a quick update, and I will be back again soon…

I may not be perfect in the eyes of anyone else.. But I am perfectly Rachelle.
❤